The #1 Parenting Mistake

     The number one mistake that parents make is trying to “fix” their child or teenager. Life will provide your child or teenager with many great opportunities to learn and grow. These opportunities can be daunting and can cause your child to feel uncomfortable emotions, including sadness, grief, fear, panic, hurt, pain, or anger. Watching your child grapple with these intense emotions can be very challenging. You love your child and care deeply about her (his) wellbeing. Your first reaction often is to step in and try to take away their intense emotions and to fix whatever is causing the emotions. 
     Because parents often try to protect their children and teenagers from dealing with the discomfort and pain that life presents, they don’t learn how to feel deeply, tolerate uncomfortable emotions, and soothe themselves in healthy ways. When children become teenagers, they can develop unhealthy ways of self soothing like alcohol, drugs, or overeating. Children then don’t develop an internal sense of strength and resiliency that comes from facing challenges and moving through them with the support of their parents.    
    What can parents do? Remember that supporting children is different than “fixing” them. First of all, your attitude is important. Do you see your child as inherently strong and powerful? Children pick up on this perception. When you try to fix or take away their uncomfortable emotions or challenging events, you are sending unspoken  messages to your child. One message is that you don’t think s(he) is strong enough to experience the emotions. Another message is that emotions are meant to be avoided and not felt and that if s(he) is feeling uncomfortable emotions that something is “wrong” with her(him).
    You can support your child or teenager by your willingness to be present and guide them in feeling difficult emotions and in going through challenging experiences and learning from them. Along with your attitude, your willingness to be present during intense emotions is also important. Being present is when you tune into what your child or teenager is feeling and also tune into your emotions and physical sensations. Your presence allows your child or teenager to feel what they need to feel and gain the strength and wisdom from the challenging experience. Finally, after feeling what needs to be felt, guide your child or teenager in thinking of solution(s) to whatever is challenging them. I will be doing a workshop in December that will focus on supporting parents in connecting deeply with their children by being present in words, emotions, and sensations.

Comments

[Hunger]

I can't agree that we should give our children the free way to experience all hurt, pain and angry as they grow. A parent will always protect his child, throughout his life and you can't stop or change it. SOmeone who suggests that seems to have no kids at all.

[Madison]

Whenever I saw my child that seems to be sad and hurt I always ask him what is the problem or if there has anything that I can help, in that means I can guide him what to do to overcome his fear and pain.

[Reylan]

Just always guide your kid and show some support in every little thing he do.