Summer Fun, Really?

    Parents are always attending the “school of parenting”, even in the summer. They never get a break from this school. Yes, children are the instructors, and they are teaching various lessons to their parents. Some parents learn the lessons that are being taught by their children, and they gain the insight and wisdom needed to make positive shifts in their lives. Other parents keep going over and over the same lessons and don’t learn what needs to be learned.  Are you learning the lessons being taught by your child? 
    How do children teach? They teach by being mirrors. Children reflect back to parents the areas in their parents’ lives that need attention and healing. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. The best goal is to be a “good enough parent” in the words of Donald Winnicott. All parents have pains and hurts from their own childhoods that weren’t healed, and they also have needs that weren’t met. These “wounds” and unmet needs can drastically effect and limit the quality of your parenting experience. Being a parent gives you an incredible opportunity to heal some of the old pains and hurts and give your own “inner child” what s(he) needs. It can be challenging to embark on this type of healing journey, but there are many "gifts" to be gained. Your personal growth work will also benefit your child. How do you do learn the lessons that your child is teaching?
     All it takes is a willingness to look within yourself along with some curiosity, determination, a desire to heal, and commitment to learn and grow. When you are feeling the emotions of anger, fear, hurt, or sadness very intensely, these are the times that class is in session. Identifying and feeling an intense and uncomfortable emotion can be beneficial and can help you choose a constructive and meaningful way to deal with the energy of that emotion. After dealing initially with the emotion, it can be helpful to step back, breathe, and ask yourself these questions: “What can I learn from this situation?” “How can I use this experience to grow?” Another way to phrase the question could be, “What power do I need to access within myself or what power do I need to develop in order to deal with this situation?”
    These questions shift the energy and focus from blame and from something being wrong to an opportunity to learn and grow as a parent and  as a human being. Yes, there are things that your child can do differently that could help the situation. Yes, there also might be a need for some type of outside support for your child. If you jump to just focusing on your child and to problem solving, you could miss an opportunity to deepen your self awareness and to change some old limiting beliefs or perceptions or heal some old hurtful experiences. There is an opportunity for growth and learning in the midst of every frustration, challenge, or difficulty. Parents often go to blaming their child or blaming themselves for a difficult situation. This is understandable, but it adds to the pain and suffering in the moment and limits the ability to look inward at oneself. Without Compassion, tenderness, and forgiveness for yourself, it might be difficult to look inward to gain the wisdom from the pain or upset. It can sometimes be very helpful to get the support of a therapist to allow you really delve into the above questions. The next time that you are feeling reactive towards your child and tempted to go blame or fixing, step back, breathe, and ask yourself, “How can use  this experience to learn and grow?”